Tonight was my children’s first Christmas (they are 6-months old). What they really saw was the Christmas dinner with family. What makes this noteworthy in a business blog is the way that the kids reacted upon being brought into the house with well over thirty people milling about, talking, eating, and laughing. They were scared.
I held my boy in my arms, and it was immediately clear that this was more than just being uncomfortable or over-stimulated. My boy was literally shaking and breathing in short spurts. Even though I knew that there was no danger, he did not. He had no idea what was going on, he had no way of processing it properly, and so his body went into fight or flight, except that he doesn’t even have that mastered yet either. I took him into another room that had far fewer people, was a bit quieter, and where he could just nuzzle himself into my chest to calm down.
So as adults, do we really respond to fear any better than my little boy did this evening?
Outwardly, we might, but inwardly, I submit that we are often hardly much better. Our greater understanding and maturity, rather than equipping us to handle fear more effectively, merely changes what we are afraid of, and alters the way we respond. As adults, we are afraid
- of failing
- of being alone
- of looking stupid
- of being wrong
- of social embarrassment
- of loosing rank or status
- of losing control
- of making a mistake
- of being the object of scorn, ridicule, or jealousy
- of being ignored
- of being noticed
- of being big, bold, and fantastic
- of being misunderstood
- of what others think, say, or do
- of taking a stand
- of leading
- and so, so, very many other things that this list could go on for pages.
As a parent, my desire was to protect and comfort my child from the fear he perceived, even while knowing it was only in his head. My goal was to allow him to calm down, to become more grounded in the protection and care that I provided, and from there, to be able to enter the room with family again.
As adults, where do we turn to help us deal with the fears that range from simple anxieties, to strong aversions, to over-learned behaviors that have us, in effect, seeking to bury our heads in avoidance? Unfortunately, most of us have reached a point where we simply believe “that’s just the way things are,” or where we continue with the patterns set in motion from decisions we made when we were far younger in life. Often, we find ourselves stuck in our attempts to overcome the power that fear has over our lives. Many times, there are even things that we want or are committed to in our lives, yet we find ourselves unable to get out of our own way. Our fear has us unable to move forward to achieve these things that are important to us, or which would provide greater fulfillment in our lives.
Enter the coach.
As a life and leadership coach, part of my role is to provide the tools, supports, and structures to allow you to bridge the gap between where you find yourself today, over to the other side of your fears where you can thrive and make forward progress on the things that are important to you. Our goal is not to make the fears go away. Instead, it is to look at how prevalent they are, where they are showing up in your life, and the power those fears have to keep you from your primary goals. Essentially, our job together is to stand on the bridge between your present and your future, from which place you can then start making different choices.
In the end, it was my little boy who decided it was OK to face the family. I simply provided the support that he needed to calm down and be himself again. And on the other side of the fear for him was a room full of people who wanted only to love him. But he couldn’t reach any of that until he made the choice that it was OK to cross the bridge.
If you consistently find yourself blocked in your efforts to achieve the future that you envision for yourself, then lets take a walk together to look at your fears, and to learn the tools and structures that will enable you to make different choices. Contact Primary Goals.